I had my first blog ideas scribbled out on post-its for days. I had a draft that I had worked on for hours. I had these great topics planned that I thought would start this blog off with intelligent discussion and a pretty face about being justice focused and put together in a world of uncertainty right now.
And then, I was tired. So tired. And in my pajamas and yesterday's ponytail. I sat down with coffee during Lars's nap, and the sun was exploding through my living room; It was the perfect space to write in. And then my computer Would. Not. Work. It was taking forever and I couldn't write a thing. So, I did what any mature, 28 year old, mother would do.
I texted my husband 6 texts in a row to make sure he knew how angry and annoyed I was. I slammed the laptop shut so the laptop would know how mad I was. And then I threw a burp rag across the sun bursting room, so that the entire living room would know how mad I was. I thought about throwing my coffee mug (yes, I seriously considered it). Like a 3 year old, I threw a tantrum on a Friday morning while my 7 month old took the most glorious of naps and the house was clean and my coffee was hot and everything was pretty and perfectly set up to be ideal.
And then, the computer.
Not knowing what to do, I sat down, face to the sun out the window, and breathed and felt all of the anger go through it's layers. And, holy shit, it just kept coming! I had no idea I was so mad about so much. I was going through layer after layer and realizing that I've gotten pretty good at pretending I'm not annoyed or angry day to day and then pushing it down. But today, I was just angry and there was nowhere else to push it.
The rage passed and tears were all that remained. Tears of fear for everything I've read on NPR this week about our president and our country. I mean, every single topic reeled through my mind and tears upon tears upon tears came. Tears for potential change as we discuss a new house. Tears for my friend who lost her baby this week. Tears for my dog, who I adore but wanted to sell approximately 7 times this week (that's once every day..), tears for the ear infection my baby has (again) this week, tears for the ways I'm trying to present myself so that others will only judge me as good and put together....tears for everything. So many freaking tears.
And then I sipped my (no longer hot) coffee out of the mug, hoping I wouldn't throw it against the wall in the process.
And I'm writing this blog in an email to myself, from my iPhone because: that damn computer….
And I'm here. This is me today.
I'm angry, heartbroken, and anxious.
And, a total mess.
Welcome to my blog. It's going to be real.