Last night, while trying to have a legitimate adult conversation with my husband after the baby was asleep, I found a cheerio in my shirt. Like, between my stomach and shirt. I have no idea how long it had been there, probably all day.. I looked up at my husband and in equal parts wanted to laugh and cry. I lifted the cheerio up to him and said, "I wish I was even a little bit surprised by this." He laughed and told me it was sexy.
That cheerio launched us into a long conversation about what our lives have become. I've been feeling really negative about everything lately. There are a million external reasons why, and all of them make sense, but the real reason is just me. In the past 4 months we sold our house in the city, moved to the suburbs, got a Costco membership (I still want to die when remembering this), got pregnant again (yay!), and now we're discussing a mini van (I want to die more..). And while admittedly, it's ridiculous, I'm actually a little depressed about it all. This is never, ever what I pictured my life would look like. Never. And I've been seriously considering going back to work lately because that IS what I envisioned for my life. After sharing this all with Alex, he replied by saying that he felt my persepctive was a little "grass is always greener" because he too has those thoughts while working. He said, "I often wonder if my life is supposed to be spent mostly in an office taking notes on everything I ever say or do, or if I should be at home with my son every day." And I realized this really is a grass is always greener feeling.
Its really, really easy to get consumed with the negatives of staying home - bodily fluids, whining, crying, tantrums, messes, cleaning, more messes, boredom, financial stresses, loneliness, ego, questions of purpose and worth within the greater world.. I'm not going to say something cliche here - it's just not always easy to see the positives of it all. But, I am making a conscious effort here to set down negativity and see the green grass surrounding me. (Okay, that was cliche..).
I started by adding "Stay at home mom" to my LinkedIn profile, because I'm here too. I may not be seen by many as someone who's working, but I am. And I'm a part of society too, even though I'm not physically present in the rush hours, Starbucks lines, and staff meetings. Any smart future employer will know that a parent who has stayed home knows how to work their tail off.